Thursday, April 24, 2014

I just want an Apology. Is that too much to ask?

Telling my parents I was pregnant was nerve wracking and something I absolutely didn't want to do. My whole life has been spent trying to make them proud of me. Constantly living in my older brother's perfect shadow was the reason for this. I got straight A's in school all the way through college. I never did anything bad. I was, in my eyes, a great kid that any parent should be proud of. I never got a "I'm proud of you." 
When I met my Husband and got engaged they thought I was being stupid and making a mistake. When I moved away I hardly heard from anyone anymore. That's when I really realized my mom has separation issues or something. She would always make me feel guilty for leaving. Like I was supposed to live my entire life in her house so she wouldn't feel alone. Which I never understood because my three younger siblings still live there, my dad, and her mom (my grandma). She did the exact same thing to my older brother. Making him feel guilty for getting married and starting a life. This was why I didn't want to tell my mom about the baby. I told Jake before we sent out the announcement photos "Babe, how much do you want to bet that the first thing she will do is try to make me feel guilty about this." Guess what she did? Just that! 
I got a text from her when she got the photo (yes a text she couldn't even dial my number to talk to me in person) and she asked "Are you prego?" I said "yes." and she replied with "Great now another grand kid I will never see." So I went off on her. This is her first grandchild but she is still so bitter about my older brother moving away she always says he will never bring his kid around when he has one because she is such a bad mom. NONE of us have ever called her a bad mom. But she drops that line anytime she wants someone to feel bad for her. So I went off about how she can never be happy for me no matter what I do and that I am not going to spend my time feeling guilty about this baby and that I won't let her ruin this happy moment for me. 
Well I think I failed on that part because I'm still not 100% happy without having my parents support and happiness for me. My older brother, one of my younger brothers, and my little sister were the only ones who contacted me and said congrats. My dad knows but didn't call me or anything so I don't really know how he feels about it. I mean I think I did it all the right way? I got married, we both have jobs, we have money, we are in love...when is a better time? Sure I could have waited a little longer like we planned but I still wouldn't be back in MN with my family. Would she had preferred I had a baby at 16 so I would never leave the house and completely rely on her? 
I also sent one to my grandma on my dad's side and she contacted me and said congrats and I'm not even that close to her or my two aunt's who also congratulated me. So my immediate family can't reach out and show support but family who I only saw a couple times a year who I didn't think even liked me can? I just don't get it and it really bothers me. Every single person in Jake's family has contacted us excited as hell. His mom even cried with happiness. Why can't I have that? 
My mom has sent me two birthday presents since then since it's my birthday on the 26th. One was a box my sister put a ton of adorable stuff into (for another post) and I just wished that the box also contained an apology note from my mom but it didn't.  All I need is two simple words but I don't think I will ever get them from her. She honestly thinks she didn't do anything wrong and she doesn't understand how much she hurt me. 

5 comments:

  1. Hugs!! I'm sorry about the reaction.. Hopefully she'll come around eventually and realize that she can still be in baby's life. Facetime/Skype?

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  2. I'm really sorry. Hopefully, your mother will realize that having you and your baby in her life is more important than driving you way.

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  3. Aw, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how crappy it must be to be going through this. One day she'll realize just how much she's missing out on by keeping her distance. What you need to do is not dwell on the negative and focus on all the positive in your life...like this new precious baby. It took me a while but I've learned that focusing on the negative gets you nowhere. Be happy every minute of the day, you totally deserve it!

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  4. I'm sorry :( But in happier news- you have a birthday bloggy twin :)

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  5. aww...that's tough to deal with! I didn't have the greatest relationship with my parents either for the longest time. It took YEARS AND YEARS to repair what was broken. I pray the same for you! Don't fret on the it. Take care of you and that baby inside of you!

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