Thursday, July 26, 2012

Selfish

Today I realized how absolutely selfish I am and just how much my man's deployment scares me. I almost ended my relationship today because of all the pent up frustrations and stress I've been under lately. Today was a HUGE wake up call. I've realized that yes long distance relationships suck and yes dating someone in the military sucks even more but there are healthy ways to deal with these obstacles and I know deep in my heart that all of it will be worth it one day. Someday we will be able to be together and spend time together and let our relationship grow. I need to realize that not only does this lifestyle and upcoming deployment effect me, but it also effects him. He is leaving his family and friends behind and there is always a chance that something could go wrong while he is over and that must be terrifying for him to think about. I know that he will be ok. He has many people who love and care about him and will be here waiting in 7-8 months when he gets to come home. 

My man is on leave this week and I held false expectations about what it would be like. I just love being around him. He makes me the happiest woman on earth and because I haven't spent that much time with him during our relationship thus far I thought we could use this time to build our relationship and become closer before he left. I failed to realize that his family needs him too and that he deserves to spend time with them as well. I just wish I had more time to spend with him. I got angry for a stupid reason and took it out on him and started bringing up things to push him away. I don't know why I always do this to people. I always feel like it's all too good to be true and that I don't deserve what I have so I push people away. I've done this with many of the best friends I could ask for and now I'm doing it to the love of my life. I have trust issues and I have jealousy issues. I just don't know what to do to get past these feelings. I never used to be so jealous. I think the distance has something to do with it. 

From here on out I'm really going to try to open up to people. This has been a struggle for me for the longest time because it's become a reoccurring theme where I open up to people then get shit on (metaphorically) in return. I'm grateful for the amazing friends in my life: Lisa Weyer and Devon Then. If I didn't have their support and guidance today I would have completely fallen apart. I am also so unbelievably grateful for my amazing fiance' who has put up with a lot of my shit and has treated me like nothing less than a "princess" (his exact words). I thank him for giving me a second chance because without him I am nothing. He completes me. Yes, I am being sappy which is completely 100% out of my character to do so.

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