Thursday, July 26, 2012

Selfish

Today I realized how absolutely selfish I am and just how much my man's deployment scares me. I almost ended my relationship today because of all the pent up frustrations and stress I've been under lately. Today was a HUGE wake up call. I've realized that yes long distance relationships suck and yes dating someone in the military sucks even more but there are healthy ways to deal with these obstacles and I know deep in my heart that all of it will be worth it one day. Someday we will be able to be together and spend time together and let our relationship grow. I need to realize that not only does this lifestyle and upcoming deployment effect me, but it also effects him. He is leaving his family and friends behind and there is always a chance that something could go wrong while he is over and that must be terrifying for him to think about. I know that he will be ok. He has many people who love and care about him and will be here waiting in 7-8 months when he gets to come home. 

My man is on leave this week and I held false expectations about what it would be like. I just love being around him. He makes me the happiest woman on earth and because I haven't spent that much time with him during our relationship thus far I thought we could use this time to build our relationship and become closer before he left. I failed to realize that his family needs him too and that he deserves to spend time with them as well. I just wish I had more time to spend with him. I got angry for a stupid reason and took it out on him and started bringing up things to push him away. I don't know why I always do this to people. I always feel like it's all too good to be true and that I don't deserve what I have so I push people away. I've done this with many of the best friends I could ask for and now I'm doing it to the love of my life. I have trust issues and I have jealousy issues. I just don't know what to do to get past these feelings. I never used to be so jealous. I think the distance has something to do with it. 

From here on out I'm really going to try to open up to people. This has been a struggle for me for the longest time because it's become a reoccurring theme where I open up to people then get shit on (metaphorically) in return. I'm grateful for the amazing friends in my life: Lisa Weyer and Devon Then. If I didn't have their support and guidance today I would have completely fallen apart. I am also so unbelievably grateful for my amazing fiance' who has put up with a lot of my shit and has treated me like nothing less than a "princess" (his exact words). I thank him for giving me a second chance because without him I am nothing. He completes me. Yes, I am being sappy which is completely 100% out of my character to do so.

Monday, July 2, 2012

It's OVER

I really wish people knew how to let go. I woke up this past Saturday morning with a voicemail from my ex. It has been 8 months since I've had any contact with him. The voicemail consisted of, "Have a good 21st Birthday." My 21st birthday was 2 months ago... "Have a drink and be happy." Oh I did have a drink and I am the happiest I could ever be because I am no longer dating you. "I memorized your number" Creeperish not going to lie. I suggest you just forget it. That's all he said directly to me but the voicemail was six minutes long because he was too wasted to hang up the phone. So the rest was a bunch of swearing and yelling about "I lost my phone, and someone stole my wallet." What I don't understand is HE ended the relationship. He broke up with me and after 3 1/2 years and the only explanation I've ever received is that we are too "different." I was the same person those 3 years so I really wish you would have told me that 3 years ago so I didn't have to waste my time! I didn't reply because I have nothing to say to him. We are done. We will never again be together. I get it that he's lonely. I have that issue too sometimes with my fiance' being away, but honestly if he just grew up he could find someone. What also made me upset was the fact that one of my good friends was out partying with him while this happened and she allowed it. I didn't know it was ok to hang out with the guy who broke your friends heart but it is what it is. I'm not going to sweat it. My advice to everyone, if your relationship ends MOVE ON. It obviously ended for a reason and call me cliche' but THERE ARE PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA! I didn't think I would find anyone else and certainly not as quickly but I did. I survived and I'm happy. You can do the same.

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