Thursday, June 28, 2012

San Diego Love

"When we hit our lowest point, we are opened to the greatest change."

June 13th through the 21st I flew out to California to see my boyfriend of about 5 1/2 months. It had been 4 months since we had seen each other and I was eager to spend some time with him again. The trip held a lot of ups and downs. Before flying out I was hesitant as to whether or not this trip was the best choice. We have been struggling with communication issues for awhile and starting a relationship long distance first is extremely difficult. I think starting close then going long distance would be a more ideal situation. We've never gone through the "dating stage". It was a courtship over Skype and text followed by boom a relationship and now boom an engagement. 

 On July 15th I got engaged. My man brought me to the ocean to watch the sunset. Watching the sunset at the ocean was one of the things on my bucketlist and he wanted to share that with me. So just as the sun was going down he wrapped me in his arms and began telling me sweet romantic things. He then stated that he had a conversation with my dad and at that moment I knew what my "surprise" was. I looked at him and asked out of nervousness "Are you really doing this right now?" He promptly told me to shut up and let him finish. So he got down on one knee with a ring and asked me. Right there on the beautiful beach. My hands went up to my mouth and heart beat a million beats a minute. I was scared and nervous, but I knew that I loved him and at that moment none of our issues mattered anymore. I said yes and at that moment I was the happiest I have ever been. Some say it was rushed and trust me I understand that more than anyone. I've always thought that there needed to be years of a relationship before a commitment such as marriage should be considered. You need time to get to know a person before you jump into something like that. However, I knew my man back in highschool and love makes you do crazy things. I still feel like we have a long way to go and lot of learning to do about what a relationship is supposed to be like. I do not feel like I can be my 100% around him because I have trust issues and I've been betrayed by so many people in my life. It's hard to grow close to someone you never see and rarely talk to. All we do is text and e-mail and it makes me extremely sad. It is a huge issue in this relationship and the main reason why I can't open myself up to him. 

During my trip we went to the zoo, celebrated his birthday, hiked a mountain, spent a lot of time at the beach, shopped, saw some movies, went to Medieval Times dinner, and overall I had a great time. The only issue that did arise was his slight addiction to the computer. He woke up and before even giving me a hug/kiss/cuddle anything he was on the computer. At night when we got home from our activities he was attached to the computer. I am not used to an electronic being more important than me. It's definitely something I need to adapt to. I just thought since I was only there for a week he would want to be close to me but that's not how things panned out. Upon arriving back in Minnesota I thought now that we were engaged things were going to be 100% better, but putting a ring on someones finger doesn't erase the issues and they are still persisting. We don't talk, we barely text, things have actually become worse and last night on my way home from work it all hit me like a Mack Truck. I cried the whole way home. This is a big deal to me because I do not cry. I do not let things get to me. 

I just want to be able to be happy. I want to have a best friend again. Someone I can tell absolutely everything to. I want to be able to open up to people and easily make new friends again. I wish I would have never let the teasing and bullying effect me so much. They ripped out my soul and I've been desperately trying to get it back ever since 6th grade. I wish I could afford to move out on my own to St. Cloud and be independent so I can hang out with my friends more often and get out of the house. I love my job but the people there don't understand me and they are just plain rude. I've reached my low point in my life and I'm ready to make a change. I don't want to be depressed anymore. I don't want to let the world pass by without me. I love life and I love all the people in it.

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