Thursday, May 24, 2012

Life Changes

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell

Up until 7 months ago I had my whole life planned out. I was going to move up to St. Cloud with my boyfriend of 3 years, I was going to finish my last year of college at St. Cloud State. The following fall we were going to move out of state so I could get my Masters degree in Forensic Psychology. I was going to get married as soon as I finished and begin a family shortly after. Back then I had no doubts, no fear of what was to come. Once my relationship came to a sudden and unexpected end I felt like I would never amount to anything. I actually believed that I needed a "boy" to make me happy and to make my life complete. After the break up I was heartbroken, mostly because I never got a reason why it ended in the first place. Of course I felt like it was all my fault, that I did something wrong. My self esteem went down to nothing and I began pulling away from my family and friends. Suddenly I was facing the question "Now what am I going to do with my life?" I couldn't afford to move out and get an apartment on my own, and not long after I began questioning what I really wanted to do with my life. I had lost my best friend and I felt so alone. A few weeks after my breakup I realized that I wasn't going to let this tear me down. I got my closure when I called my ex a few days after our break up. I was sobbing, spilling my heart and soul, telling him that I could change and that we could make this work. I begged and begged for a second chance and what did he say to me? "Oh you will be fine. It will all be ok." Three years of my life with this boy and that's all I got as a reply. As soon as I hung up that phone I was ready to move on. All at once I saw how parasitic and unhealthy that relationship was. I shouldn't have to tell someone I will change in order to keep them in my life. I deserve a man that will love me for me. My crazy, loving, shy, Poke'mon adoring, zombie killing, dedicated, quirky, nerdy self. I'm not ashamed of who I am, and I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not. My sorority sisters made me realize that I really am a strong independent woman. I'm not the first person is the world to lose someone I loved. I was a 20-year-old college junior with an amazing support system and I didn't need a boy to be happy. The moment I realized this was the moment my life changed.  Now single, I began enjoying the college life. I spent more time focusing on my school work and more time out with friends. I no longer had to report where I was all the time or worry about someone getting mad at me for going out with friends and having a good time. I felt free, like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. 

I was fearful of getting rid of the life I had planned out so intricately, but not long after my breakup I began talking with someone who I believe holds the key to the life that is waiting for me. 


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